1. Name it. You keep it secret most of the [...]]]> Nobody likes to feel fearful. Small fears or terrifying ones (like maybe death, or public speaking for so many, or that the cat will lick your sunburn), we all dislike the feeling, to say the least. So, what to do? What are the Fear combat rules?

1. Name it. You keep it secret most of the time, run from it, try to avoid it, to ignore it, or to tranquilize it. Best approach is to express it. To look it in the eyes. I suggest you write it down, simple and clear. You will notice that just by putting it into words, it loses a lot of the nightmare-like appearance. Follow your fear straight into the light.

2. Face the worst case scenario: just for a minute, ask yourself what’s the worst it can happen. What would you do to deal with it, if you would absolutely have to?

3. See it for what it is: it can be a warning or a signal you are growing. Inherited from ancient times by each and every one of us, the reptilian side of our brain triggers that well known instinct which instantly installs a state of alertness. This signal can say “danger” but it can also say “you are entering new territory”, which, meaning expansion and growth, has a fantastic positive connotation in itself.

4. Reframe it. You wrote on your paper what you fear, right? Now rephrase that as “I want to do this, but I scare myself by thinking …(negative thing that might or might not happen)”. It can put things into a new perspective.

5. Bet on the good outcome: believe in the chance of all turning out to be just fine, and try to take a few steps in that direction, prepare the way for the good one, and you’ll make the desired result the more probable one.

6. Once you are aware of the name, the true size of your fear and the chance of it never actually happening, walk through fear the way you would walk through fire: quickly!  Act.

7. Then act again. The more you do it, the less fear you’ll have. First time you speak in front of an audience, your heart is beating like crazy. Tenth time, a lot less. The hundredth time, only enough to keep you alert and excited. By then, though, you begin to hear heartbeats in the audience.

 Whenever you’ll feel fearful again, remember that as long as we are capable of growing, there will be fear involved. Understand that fear is normal, but being paralyzed by it it’s not. So knowing that fear is just one more excuse to never begin, become a professional fear surfer. Feels gooooooood!

That would be ME. After giving birth to all my fears, I nursed each and every one of them, I cuddled them, I fed them and raised them well. I took them along everywhere I went. I stayed up nights to tend to their needs. I even enrolled friends [...]]]>

Photo by Anna Presso

That would be ME. After giving birth to all my fears, I nursed each and every one of them, I cuddled them, I fed them and raised them well. I took them along everywhere I went. I stayed up nights to tend to their needs. I even enrolled friends and family to help me deal with them. Sounds familiar?

 Ever felt your fears are distracting and demanding, keeping you from enjoying things full-heartedly, from savoring the moment, from better performing? Does your fear ruin romantic dates and relationships and sometimes causes you to miss out on a lot of opportunities and experiences? Does it feel like you are carrying around this “problem child”, always embarrassing you and dragging you down? And if so, what can you do at this point? You cannot let a little “brat” run your life! There are numerous kinds of fear, and probably lots yet to be named, but whatever the kind, there are a few things worth being  aware of:

• YOU created it. Almost all of our fears are self-created. As children, we learn them from adults, then we cultivate them and keep them alive and strong. It’s self-inflicted fear, actually. In every single particular case, it’s a bet you place on a negative outcome (I might get hurt, or die, or get dumped, or fired, or be found out etc.). But the positive might just as well, happen. Right? And thus, to focus on a negative outcome and to feed that idea, rather than the opposite – you’ve got it! it’s a choice you make.
• Everybody fears something. Hey, don’t you feel better already, knowing that you are not alone? Even the bravest people among us are not the superhumans who feel no fear whatsoever, but ordinary people who are able to walk through their fears and do what they need to do in spite of it. Which is extraordinary.
• At the very core, all the kinds of fear there are have a common root, the same mother if you wish – ultimately, fear it’s a belief that we lack the necessary abilities to deal with a specific future problem. There is no “fear” per se. To exist, it needs to be related to a specific situation, with a projected negative outcome and our projected inability to deal with it. That’s what we actually fear: not the bad situation in itself, but our bad response to it.
• It’s also worth noticing that, whatever you fear, it’s always in the future.” I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – as so brilliantly said it Mark Twain.  

I think the better you understand your fears and how they work, the better your chance of fighting them successfully. Which is a process never to be neglected or underestimated, since your fears hold you back more than any other thing in the world. Fear is the brick wall between you and your goals. A prison built from the inside out. Think about it! Think about all the wonderful things you would achieve if you would be able to break free from these fears that paralyze your actions … wow!

 Ok, so what steps can we take to better manage our fears? Next time, I’ll share with you some very good rules, all tried and tested. And since Fear is in the eye of the beholder, ask yourself what do you have to gain by choosing to observe the bad outcome instead of a different, better one? To start observing the desired reality instead, well, as simple as it is, this decision alone can set you free. In case you get that far and it works, you don’t even need to come back and read the follow-up, which I will post soon anyway…You know, for the rest of us… 

How do you define yourself within the relationships you have? Is this place that you have chosen for yourself allowing you a higher and more harmonious connection with the world at large, or a lesser one, of a lower quality?  Take a look at what J.A. Ray calls [...]]]> Hey, how about a bit of self-assessment today?

How do you define yourself within the relationships you have? Is this place that you have chosen for yourself allowing you a higher and more harmonious connection with the world at large, or a lesser one, of a lower quality?  Take a look at what J.A. Ray calls a “hierarchy of personal identity”, and try to find out where do you fall at this point in your life. The ranking is based on the way you currently establish relationships on the ground of your values and beliefs. 

1. Spiritual Being

2. Sentient Being

3. Human Being

4. National or Cultural Being

5. Ethnic or Racial Being

6. Gender

7. Individual

 1. – if you are a person who sees that everything comes from the same source (however we’d choose to name it, with or without capital letter) and therefore we are all one; if so, you are at the top of the pyramid

2. – if you hold in high regard anything alive but not inanimate objects

3. – if you are a person who holds in high regard any kind of human being

4. – if you define yourself mainly by a particular group (American, Jew, Muslim etc) but you hold in lesser regard people belonging to other nations, cultures or religions

5. – if, for example, you define yourself as “white” and hold in high regard all the other “white” people, seen as being equals, but you are not concerned about other racial groups, or animals, and trees, as a primary interest

6. -if you identify yourself with people of the same gender, which you hold in higher regard than the other, which you consider inferior

7. – if you hold in high regard you and primarily you – (egocentricity is the lowest level of awareness).

So, honestly, where do you stand? Note that while you might have traits from different levels simultaneously sometimes, you tend to be most of the time governed by a particular set of beliefs, which defines your identity and shapes each and every one of your relationships and the way you position yourself in the world. Think of what have to gain in terms of peace, harmony, understanding and connection with every step that gets you higher on this ladder.  

And now, that you got a better look at yourself or you just refreshed your awareness, which way do you plan to go from here? Upwards, anybody?