Anna Presso » Personal Development

Dios te AMA

Anna Presso — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:17:52 +0000

“Dios te ama!” – those were the exact words she let out loudly, her eyes sparkling as if she just had a revelation. Straight in her musical native Spanish, out of the heart, but with no translation, as if just the look on her face should convey all the meaning there was in her words. This extremely graceful lady, let’s call her Maria, is a client of mine for quite a while now. (I don’t really like using the word “client”, especially when it comes to people like her and I’ll explain in a minute why, but for lack of a better word…) Hoping with all my heart that I won’t come to regret my question, I said “umm, pardon? what was that?” “Dios te ama!”, she repeated, as if the repetition alone would magically increase my knowledge of a foreign language. “God loves you”, the translation finally followed.

Oohh…God LOVES me. And that wasn’t just a general “God loves everybody, so he loves you as well”. What Maria meant was a lot more precise then that. When is it that you feel most blessed, most lucky, happiest? She was making an amazing point, since those words were her answer to my passionate trust and uncensored enthusiasm in the process we were sharing. “This is your thing, your path. And God loves you because you are now walking it.” she explained.

WOW. There it was. The essence of my life philosophy, the centre of my belief system, the core of my dearest guidelines, mirrored back to me so simply and beautifully. I tried for years to take this message across to countless clients and friends, using as imperfect carriers complicated ideas, demonstrations and very long lines of reasoning. I was now able to face the distilled meaning of it all: when you are following your bliss, you feel blessed. When you are happy doing what you do, you are where you are supposed to be. You feel (and you look) happy when you know what you were meant to do, and do it.

Still looking for your purpose in life? Use JOY as a compass.

ps: Thanks again, Maria. I get so much in return from my clients, that I sometimes feel that what we have is nothing short of mutual giving, it’s such a wonderful exchange. In cases like that, I think maybe I shouldn’t even charge my clients. Well, maybe just a few.

What is the Difference between Coaching & Counselling?

Anna Presso — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 00:53:09 +0000

Motto: Change your mind!

Both counseling and coaching, when properly done, will provide you with value and results. However, these two have different purposes and different methods and are dissimilar regarding at least the following aspects:

1. Motivation: coaching clients choose to work with a coach because they want to, not because they need to; the client who goes to see a counselor is usually trying to fix a problem (a disorder or even an addiction, maybe both or more of them) – the main reason is that this deficit is impairing to a certain degree his/her normal functioning as an individual and as a social being by not being able to meet a required standard of conduct; on the other side, someone would go to coaching not necessarily for a cure, for a remedy, but for the need for improvement or excellence in one particular area or in their life as a whole;

2. Main driver: (or the need to be addressed) is a brake-fix in counselling and a performance-tuning or performance-upgrading in coaching;

3. Qualifications: if a therapist is required to have obtained MS or PhD in Psychology, similar requirements for coaches do not exist, though a strong set of specific skills are mandatory; a university in Sidney, Australia is already developing a Coaching Psychology program so probably in the future training programs for coaching will increasingly be developed in academe and will be granted diplomas upon completion;

4. Power and status in the relationship: unlike the counsellor (who is supposed to “fix” the client, therefore somehow superior) the coach is not an expert or a guru of some sort, but a guide, unjudging and equal, but nevertheless helpful and resourcefull; a coach is needed to posess a set of skills (and tools) which he/she uses to assist people to set clear and specific goals that they want to reach in the future, to support them to achieve their goals and to take control of their professional, physical, emotional and financial destiny;

5. The spread in time: whereas most often counselling is needs based and frequently occasional, coaching involves ongoing development and long-term commitment;

6. The agenda: in therapy the client will follow the steps he would be required to as part of a specific program chosen or designed by the counsellor, while in coaching the client sets the agenda;

7. The state of mind: because of the different motivations for stepping into a counsellor’s office or meeting a coach, the mind-set in which one would approach the session from the very beginning would be quite different: the client will try to find some comfort, peace and even a more relaxed state on “the counsellor’s coach”, but he will drum up a lot of energy when being coached, the main idea being that once you have an unambiguous goal, you need to get-up-and-go and the whole mindset will be so much more action-oriented.

8. The method: even in behavior modification therapy or in non-directive counselling, which have lots of common ground with coaching, there is still enough to differentiate them by: unlike the counselling, in coaching the focus is always on the step forward and taking action, not as much on insight, on self-knowledge in terms of reflection and getting to understand the reasons behind or the roots of the client’s weaknesses or problems; the first would try to offer you a better understanding, an explanation of the reasons why you didn’t get the results you wanted, the later would rather focus on how to get them, on making a plan and following it through, with plenty of motivation and confidence-building to keep you going and getting what you planed for.

9. The timeframe: coaching is unlike therapy in that it does not focus on examining nor diagnosing the past, instead focusing on encouraging change in a client’s current and future behavior;

10. The feed-back: – in counselling you will be frequently advised, the coach will not advise you nor tell you what to do but rather help you discover your own goals;

11. The transition process: counselling implies the transition from a non-functional state to a functional one, while in coaching you would make the transition from a functional state to an optimum or excellent one;

12. The solution: the counselor suggests or even provides you a solution and a path to follow; the coach will assist you in drawing the path towards the most desirable outcome for you; in coaching the clients may be seeking solutions, but more often they seek to enhance their performance (or reach excellence);

13. The results: while is not uncommon to see results very soon after starting the sessions with a counsellor, it usually takes a quite long period of time before the healing process really starts producing visible effects; in coaching tough, because the approach is so action-oriented, the coachee will start giving up excuses, making changes and taking real steps forward very soon in the beginning, even right after the first couple of sessions;

14. Ownership of the results: when the outcome is not the expected one (or quite the opposite happens), there is quite often a feeling of guilt that a counsellor has to deal with, and sometimes (in extreme cases, like in suicide or other tragic outcomes) that feeling can be very hard to manage and it can take a long period of time to come to terms with it, without letting it impair you personally and more likely, your professional life; there is for sure responsibility in coaching, but the client owns the results, good or not so much, since the client is in charge with following through according to the plan and the client is in control of his own life;

15. Joy and excitement: one will very rarely get out of a couselling session shouting “I can rule the world! I know how to do it and I know I can do it”; undoubtedly, one can experience very positive feelings, like being understood, feeling some relief and being at peace with various things that happened in the past or with oneself, as a whole being; but because the main focus in coaching is clearing your goals and designing your path to them and also because of the ongoing motivation and confidence building, people many times feel so empowered, stimulated and clear minded that they do experience a very pure joy and enthusiasm.

16. The benefits: the counsellor would be the nurse who would bandage your wounds, the coach would be more like a midwife to your potential; a counselor will provide you with some sort of remedy, while a coach will emphasize empowerment, your strength, abilities, self-confidence and growth.

It’s obvious that coaching and counselling are different in numerous ways, but maybe the most important aspect in general is that counselling is more reactive, while coaching is more active, even proactive, since is not only aiming to address problems but also to recognize them and to even prevent them from happening.

Those two improvement processes are both so valuable and they do offer you excellent results when addressing the corresponding needs, since in peoples’ lifelong journey, at different times they need different support.

How to fight fear – 7 rules

Anna Presso — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:47:22 +0000

Nobody likes to feel fearful. Small fears or terrifying ones (like maybe death, or public speaking for so many, or that the cat will lick your sunburn), we all dislike the feeling, to say the least. So, what to do? What are the Fear combat rules?

1. Name it. You keep it secret most of the time, run from it, try to avoid it, to ignore it, or to tranquilize it. Best approach is to express it. To look it in the eyes. I suggest you write it down, simple and clear. You will notice that just by putting it into words, it loses a lot of the nightmare-like appearance. Follow your fear straight into the light.

2. Face the worst case scenario: just for a minute, ask yourself what’s the worst it can happen. What would you do to deal with it, if you would absolutely have to?

3. See it for what it is: it can be a warning or a signal you are growing. Inherited from ancient times by each and every one of us, the reptilian side of our brain triggers that well known instinct which instantly installs a state of alertness. This signal can say “danger” but it can also say “you are entering new territory”, which, meaning expansion and growth, has a fantastic positive connotation in itself.

4. Reframe it. You wrote on your paper what you fear, right? Now rephrase that as “I want to do this, but I scare myself by thinking …(negative thing that might or might not happen)”. It can put things into a new perspective.

5. Bet on the good outcome: believe in the chance of all turning out to be just fine, and try to take a few steps in that direction, prepare the way for the good one, and you’ll make the desired result the more probable one.

6. Once you are aware of the name, the true size of your fear and the chance of it never actually happening, walk through fear the way you would walk through fire: quickly! Act.

7. Then act again. The more you do it, the less fear you’ll have. First time you speak in front of an audience, your heart is beating like crazy. Tenth time, a lot less. The hundredth time, only enough to keep you alert and excited. By then, though, you begin to hear heartbeats in the audience.

Whenever you’ll feel fearful again, remember that as long as we are capable of growing, there will be fear involved. Understand that fear is normal, but being paralyzed by it it’s not. So knowing that fear is just one more excuse to never begin, become a professional fear surfer. Feels gooooooood!

The Mother of all (my) Fears

Anna Presso — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 00:23:26 +0000

Photo by Anna Presso

That would be ME. After giving birth to all my fears, I nursed each and every one of them, I cuddled them, I fed them and raised them well. I took them along everywhere I went. I stayed up nights to tend to their needs. I even enrolled friends and family to help me deal with them. Sounds familiar?

Ever felt your fears are distracting and demanding, keeping you from enjoying things full-heartedly, from savoring the moment, from better performing? Does your fear ruin romantic dates and relationships and sometimes causes you to miss out on a lot of opportunities and experiences? Does it feel like you are carrying around this “problem child”, always embarrassing you and dragging you down? And if so, what can you do at this point? You cannot let a little “brat” run your life! There are numerous kinds of fear, and probably lots yet to be named, but whatever the kind, there are a few things worth being aware of:

YOU created it. Almost all of our fears are self-created. As children, we learn them from adults, then we cultivate them and keep them alive and strong. It’s self-inflicted fear, actually. In every single particular case, it’s a bet you place on a negative outcome (I might get hurt, or die, or get dumped, or fired, or be found out etc.). But the positive might just as well, happen. Right? And thus, to focus on a negative outcome and to feed that idea, rather than the opposite – you’ve got it! it’s a choice you make.
Everybody fears something. Hey, don’t you feel better already, knowing that you are not alone? Even the bravest people among us are not the superhumans who feel no fear whatsoever, but ordinary people who are able to walk through their fears and do what they need to do in spite of it. Which is extraordinary.
At the very core, all the kinds of fear there are have a common root, the same mother if you wish – ultimately, fear it’s a belief that we lack the necessary abilities to deal with a specific future problem. There is no “fear” per se. To exist, it needs to be related to a specific situation, with a projected negative outcome and our projected inability to deal with it. That’s what we actually fear: not the bad situation in itself, but our bad response to it.
It’s also worth noticing that, whatever you fear, it’s always in the future.” I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – as so brilliantly said it Mark Twain.

I think the better you understand your fears and how they work, the better your chance of fighting them successfully. Which is a process never to be neglected or underestimated, since your fears hold you back more than any other thing in the world. Fear is the brick wall between you and your goals. A prison built from the inside out. Think about it! Think about all the wonderful things you would achieve if you would be able to break free from these fears that paralyze your actions … wow!

Ok, so what steps can we take to better manage our fears? Next time, I’ll share with you some very good rules, all tried and tested. And since Fear is in the eye of the beholder, ask yourself what do you have to gain by choosing to observe the bad outcome instead of a different, better one? To start observing the desired reality instead, well, as simple as it is, this decision alone can set you free. In case you get that far and it works, you don’t even need to come back and read the follow-up, which I will post soon anyway…You know, for the rest of us…

A look in the mirror

Anna Presso — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:07:07 +0000

Hey, how about a bit of self-assessment today?

How do you define yourself within the relationships you have? Is this place that you have chosen for yourself allowing you a higher and more harmonious connection with the world at large, or a lesser one, of a lower quality? Take a look at what J.A. Ray calls a “hierarchy of personal identity”, and try to find out where do you fall at this point in your life. The ranking is based on the way you currently establish relationships on the ground of your values and beliefs.

1. Spiritual Being

2. Sentient Being

3. Human Being

4. National or Cultural Being

5. Ethnic or Racial Being

6. Gender

7. Individual

1. – if you are a person who sees that everything comes from the same source (however we’d choose to name it, with or without capital letter) and therefore we are all one; if so, you are at the top of the pyramid

2. – if you hold in high regard anything alive but not inanimate objects

3. – if you are a person who holds in high regard any kind of human being

4. – if you define yourself mainly by a particular group (American, Jew, Muslim etc) but you hold in lesser regard people belonging to other nations, cultures or religions

5. – if, for example, you define yourself as “white” and hold in high regard all the other “white” people, seen as being equals, but you are not concerned about other racial groups, or animals, and trees, as a primary interest

6. -if you identify yourself with people of the same gender, which you hold in higher regard than the other, which you consider inferior

7. – if you hold in high regard you and primarily you – (egocentricity is the lowest level of awareness).

So, honestly, where do you stand? Note that while you might have traits from different levels simultaneously sometimes, you tend to be most of the time governed by a particular set of beliefs, which defines your identity and shapes each and every one of your relationships and the way you position yourself in the world. Think of what have to gain in terms of peace, harmony, understanding and connection with every step that gets you higher on this ladder.

And now, that you got a better look at yourself or you just refreshed your awareness, which way do you plan to go from here? Upwards, anybody?

“I blame it on the Recession” – the trendiest excuse

Anna Presso — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 01:51:38 +0000

The Recession, the big crisis, the major crunch, the huge depression, the financial Armageddon… Headline after headline, media seems to have us all in its spell these days. It’s pumping fear day and night. Everywhere I turn, we’re constantly being bombarded with such alarming news. Huge threats, and no solution. Nothing for me to do, no way I can influence things. The obvious question for each of us is “what am I supposed to do? How is this going to affect ME,____?(your name here)” Well, a good answer would be: Any way you let it to. Of course you cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to swim, right? In such an economic environment though, too many people feel downright paralyzed. They feel like victims, totally helpless in front of this huge unstoppable tsunami. Options seem fewer and thinner, the unavoidable gets closer and closer, the ax shines in the moon light and the front door is open…tah tah tah tah…(horror movie soundtrack).While it’s good to be informed, it’s definitely counterproductive to be obsessed and a subject of the mass hypnosis – be exposed long enough and you’ll just end up falling in line with the rest.

What it also helps a lot is to be aware of the market’s psychology and to avoid assimilating it and then turning it into your own. Stock market is driven by psychology. Real estate, even land value is impacted by psychology. Think about it. An acre of land is an acre of land. I happen to know a plot nearby whose selling value tripled (!) over the last two years. Nothing was built on it or near it, it gained no added value of itself whatsoever, it just followed the market upwards tendency in pricing, inflating its selling price artificially. The fact is, not only realities are more subjective then we think, they are often created by our own perception, which more often than not gets shaped under media’s thumb (or middle finger). The beliefs we have regarding a particular situation make us (re)act in a certain way, which may cause the very situation we wanted to avoid to become real. You think your husband is cheating on you, which makes you become colder and unpleasant, which makes the two of you drift apart, which makes your husband cheat on you. Or you believe the economy is shaky and you decide to withdraw your savings from the bank and keep them in your mattress account (at least the customer service here is nicer), which makes the bank have less funds, which leads to a weaker bank and a weaker economy. We are actually feeding, with our actions, the very beast we say we’d like to kill. Self-fulfilling prophecy, law of attraction, whatever you call it, this is how it works.

But when the threat seems so serious, and so big (worldwide, you know?), the feeling of helplessness holds you stuck in place, this time with such a good excuse for not succeeding, that it seems impossible to have any other outcome. As somebody told me recently: “this thing, I mean the recession and all, that’s big, I mean, like… big. I feel that I cannot fight that, it’s too big for me, it’s like I’m facing a train coming straight towards me, you know? Just too big to fight it.” Then you may want to consider getting the hell out of the railway! I said, not as lady-like as I wished I had. Oy!

Although at a macro level it seems that the problem lays in having insufficient resources, at a purely individual level, the game is never won or lost because of a lack of resources. There are always more resources available to us then we care to look for. What wins or loses the game it’s the mindset you choose to have, the decisions you make under the circumstances and the determination to pursue the goals you set for yourself. There’s never just one and only way to attain your goals or be successful. If a job is lost, find another source (or more) of income. If a place changed (for the worse), change the part you were playing in it or change the place. If a door is closed, go knock on the window. (Then leave, there’s no point being a fool about it.) If you come across a roadblock, don’t turn around and go back, eventually telling everybody you meet on your way that you saw signs the end is near. Go left, or go right, or come back with a couple of friends, or a bigger car, or a maybe a ladder, but then you’ll have to walk… You got the idea. Get creative. Not blamative (I want to have rights on this word, it’s brand new!). Never give up. If you feel stuck, change the direction, reshape your business, your methods, your set of skills, your approach. But most importantly, make sure your mindset is not your worst enemy.

It’s NOT only about the cards you were dealt. Given the same financial resources and being placed in the same economic environment, different people can get extremely different results. Some lay flat and wait for the train to run them over, some decide what they want and go get it, no matter the obstacles they come across. Some die, some thrive, regardless. What’s your strategy? Dead guy, turtle or tiger?

The questions to ask yourself are not “why me?” or “why now?”.Why not you? And why not now? Look for ways around it or over it, not for excuses to stay down. The most important question to ask yourself is “How do I get over this?” Emphasis on “how“. It’s the best key to getting un-stuck I know. Creativity is one of your most valuable resources and another one the bank cannot take away from us. Can you believe our luck?

I firmly believe that circumstances, although they can have an undeniable effect upon us, they do not control us. They can slow you down, but they cannot stop you. Regardless of what’s going on around you, you can move, change, adjust, grow and succeed. You’re the only one calling the shots, and the only one to decide if you are going to keep going, no matter want, or if you are going to find yet another thing to blame for whatever situation you’re not happy with.

We construct our lives on 2 sets of circumstances: the controllable and the not (apparently) controllable ones. So, as achievers, we tend to fall into one of the two categories:

the ones who focus on creating the desired results by influencing the controllable (I work upon my beliefs, my habits, my actions, my abilities etc.)
the ones who leave the outcomes mostly to chance, drift aimlessly and blame any undesired result on external factors and uncontrollable events, thus taking the least possible responsibility for the results (it rained, the market was saturated, the other guy was taller and so on).

I cannot underline enough the fact that you were not born one way or the other. It is a choice. You can choose to succeed, no matter how long or sinuous the road might be, to succeed in spite of it all. Or you can spend your life making sure you have an excuse at hand and something or somebody to blame for whatever you didn’t get.

So, I heard there’s a recession going on. I’ve decided not to participate.

Leap into Action!

Anna Presso — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 23:32:30 +0000

A while ago, a small-town newspaper advertised: “Read your Bible to know what people ought to do. Read this paper to know what they actually do”. This is so often the case, for so many of us, isn’t it? That difference between what we know we should be doing and what we actually do: I should feel less stressed, drink less, weigh less, spend less… I should drink more water, study more, eat more veggies, have more control over my life, stop being late, give up smoking, make some changes….

So why don’t you, then? Why does it seem sometimes so hard to take that leap, from knowing it to actually doing it? From my experience, the following reasons always show up at the top of the list:

* you don’t have a clear objective: – “I’d like to exercise more” it’s not a goal, looks more like a wish really. Likewise, anything that starts with “I wish” or “I should”… add a “sometimes”, “maybe one day” or “when I’ll have the time” to that and you got so far away from the track, you have to take a plane back. What works? Try “I will add an extra 30′ of exercise, 2 times a week, for 3 months”. Now you’re …moving! In the right direction, that is.

* lack of self-confidence: – not believing you are perfectly able of achieving your objective simply shoots in the head the whole idea. How to fight it? 1. up your self-esteem and self-confidence (I recommend getting professional help on this one – when successful, it truly pays back for a lifetime) 2. break down the goal into smaller steps, each objective will appear more do-able. 3. both.

* addiction to instant gratification: – “I want to feel good Now.” How to fight it? Decide for yourself if it’s more important for you to have the ”reward” right now ( although it might be damaging in the long term) or you can delay your feel-good moment for a more solid and enduring one. If you answer “yes” to the first one, then light up the cigarette, finish the bucket of ice cream, keep doing what you “shouldn’t” be doing anyway.

* inertia – in “Psycho-Cybernetics” Dr. Maxwell Maltz compares the unconscious mind with a thermostat, whose job is to detect any deviation from our comfort zone and regulate our behaviors so that we can preserve the status quo; any change you start making will signal “beep-beep-beep – you stepped outside the circle, you need to return immediately!!” Interesting! While it’s certainly useful for survival (prevents you from stepping with no warning onto unchartered territory, which may involve risks and dangers), it also stops you from changing things for the better. How to fight it? Simply be aware of it.

* you don’t want it enough – let’s face it: you want to redecorate the house, but you don’t want the dust and noise and the expenses. If the desire is not burning enough, or things didn’t get bad enough, you ain’t gonna move a finger! What to do? Ask yourself “how much do I want this?/how important is this for my health /relationship/future?” etc. Measure it on a scale from 0 to 5. If it’s not 4 or 5 out of 5, don’t even start. If someone makes you do it (hmm…let’s just assume), you’ll do it half-hearted anyway. Put that energy and time into something you really want.

* you don’t know how – as simple as that. What to do? Depending on the case, sometimes the situation requires a very good tried-and-tested set of methods, for efficient results. In this case, enroll a specialist. In simpler cases, all you need to do is just stop. Just don’t do it anymore.

* somebody talks you out of it, before you even got a chance to take the first step. What to do? Send them to me. I don’t guarantee though that once I’m done with them, you’ll remain best friends. Which you weren’t, anyway.

So get these out of the way and leap straight into action! Do what you want to do. Get what you want to have. Be the person you want to be. Or who your dog thinks you are, or whatever…